Today is grey. Melancholic. The food is not as crisp. The music seems downbeat.
April has never been a tickertape parade for me but some years resonate a little louder than others. I question myself as to why I'm feeling it so heavy today but, ultimately, the question is irrelevant. This sort of self exclusion is disingenuous false humility at best and self immolation at worst. The fact that I remember is enough and I'm grateful for that as I damn well should be.
Ednaswap's "Trivial" pops up on my ipod. Anne Preven is singing "seven years to the day" and boy do I feel it. Blink 182's "Miss You" follows and it just seems like it's going to be that sort of day.
I find myself wondering: was it disappointment in yourself, the slow poisoning of bitterness and resentment, that pushed you over? I was old enough at the time to know it was no reflection on us. And I was old enough to know that we'll never truly know.
What I do know is that I'm sorry I missed you. I had family obligations to attend to before the rest of my life would tailspin and this is what we accept with the gracious love of others. I also know that I wish I had the chance to tell you:
We all feel disappointed at times.
I struggle with this myself on occasion. I know that 18 year old me would not listen to the man I am today. Then I remember that 18 year old me was a sanctimonious asshole. He couldn't appreciate the changes I've made in my lifetime nor would he understand the adventures that brought me here. There is no sadness. There is no regret. There is only a gratitude for having made the dance at all. It didn't matter if we scuffed our shoes, tore our shirts or forgot the flowers. There was laughter. There was life. There was love.
Life happens in media res. We're all in progress. We're all learning. I wish you could have met me. We would have laughed about the old days and the sell outs we've become. And it would have been brilliant and beautiful like it always was.
Thinking of you today. Peace, brother, and love wherever you may be. Miss you.
